I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
