Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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