Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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