I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
