Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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