Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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