This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
