My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
