my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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