You did not just play the dead husband card again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
