The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
