Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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