"it" just moved
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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