brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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