saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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