Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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