i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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