Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
