I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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