My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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