God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
