He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
