I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
