how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
