I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
time to smoke my breakfast
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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