No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
