Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
