I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
