Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
