i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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