Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
