She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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