hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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