My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
