The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
