ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
