did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think my vagina is haunted
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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