its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
