I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
