In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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