Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
