I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
