Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
