this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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