I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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