I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
