Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
