we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
