I want to have your abortion
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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