My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
